Oh Christmas Tree (An Urban Tale)

Since moving from a house to a veal pen in the sky, I had to say goodbye to my Christmas tree. It was 6' tall and almost 5' wide and unless I wanted to put my sofa in storage for the holiday season, I would have to look for some sort of alternative.  So I began reading blog tips on selecting the perfect Christmas tree...

Select the correct size of tree for your home--
OK then, supermodel size--something tall and skinny that will not require feeding

Decide on the species of tree--
I am no tree botanist, but I think the pseudo-Latin species name for my perfect tree is "artificial pre-lit coniferous" and be indigenous to factories in China

Put lights on first --
Or select an indigenous species that already contains them (see note above)

Select a theme for your tree--
Since I am a drag queen trapped in a woman's body, nothing screams holiday more than "Liza"!  Complete with top hat and high heels and fishnet netting

If you choose an artificial tree, do not try to pass it off as a real tree --
I'm thinking that the fact it is champagne coloured & glittery pretty much indicates that the jig is up.